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托福写作

托福独立写作有哪些雷区?附案例解析

笔者将审题的雷区大致归结为两个方面:

一是宏观层面踩到了大雷,即题目回答角度完全跑偏,非但“fail to address the task and the topic effectively”,更是“fail to address the task and the topic”;

二是微观层面被散弹击中,即题目虽然没有理解错,但在论述过程中因为审题不仔细或论述不严谨,亦或是论述过程中思路出现偏差而带来的论述跑偏。

首先我们先来看一下所谓宏观层面的审题雷区,这样的审题错误往往是由于考生错误地理解考题的本意,而给出了可谓“驴唇不对马嘴”的答案,以TPO 25为例:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communities.

以下是一个学生给出的一个主体段:

The main reason for my disagreement is that community service could help students gain knowledge and abilities that cannot be acquired in school. They can get acquainted with people in different age, with different backgrounds, and having different hobbies in helping neighborhoods. This means that students may have to learn how to express ideas, listen to others and cooperate with others, since much team work tends to be involved in the process of doing community service. Last month, I helped plant several trees in my community, and met a retired professor who is also a volunteer. He imparted me a great deal of knowledge about trees and planting. Because of his age, I also helped him finish nearly all labor work and he was more like a director who gave me suggestions and guidance. Evidently, if rejecting community service, I would definitely lose such a precious opportunity.

如果单看上面这个段落,不难看出,作者思路清晰、文字流畅、论述有理有据,但是如果结合题目,其实也不难体会到,作者清晰的思路其实都用在了一个跑偏的方向上。题目问我们“是否同意:如今的年轻人并没有花足够的时间做社区服务”,上文中第一句里的“disagree”告诉我们他不同意,但是读完整个段落,你是否发现,他不同意的并不是题目,而是这样一个命题,即“如今的年轻人不应该花时间来做社区服务”,因为整个段落他讲的都是做社区服务的好处。

如果回答题目,很明显应该分析的是年轻人为什么已经花了/并没有花足够的时间做社区服务。所以分析的角度也自然应该从年轻人出发,比如如果同意,可能会说现在年轻人太忙了,或是服务意识下降了,或是现在的社会足够健全,不需要年轻人了;如果不同意可以说现在的年轻人服务意识更强了,学校组织或公司组织的服务活动很多,或一些民间NGO等等都让现在的年轻人花了更多时间在help communities上。

这样,才是正确的解题思路,而按照上文的思路,就算文字再好,逻辑再连贯,也只能接受成绩不理想的后果了。这种跑题我们可以称之为是一种宏观的、彻头彻尾的跑题,像踩中了地雷,还是那种一踩即爆的雷,基本后果只能是粉身碎骨。不过如果在考试之前加以足够的练习,这种严重的跑题大部分同学基本都可以避免,然而接下来这种微观的审题失误造成文章跑题就稍显麻烦了。

我们来看一下以下这道题目:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Television, newspapers, magazines, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities.

以下是一位学生的作文片段,开头段和第一主体段(让步段):

 

In almost every form of media, including television, newspapers and magazines, a great deal of attention is paid to the personal lives of celebrities. It seems that the public cannot get enough of this kind of news. However, I believe that what the media should do is to protect and respect the lives of public figures rather than giving too much exposure.

Of course, close reports of super stars, especially news about their private lives and relationships, can satisfy fans’ curiosity and therefore promote the sales of fan magazines and other related products. Those celebrities can also achieve more affection and appear more on TV shows or entertainment news. However, the media should respect the privacy of every individual, including public figures. It is true that celebrities may have chosen to be in the public eye, but that does not give the public the right to know everything about them. Zhang Bozhi, a famous Chinese actress, has to change her dwelling places for three times to protect her sons due to the fanatical paparazzi. It is definitely understandable that a super star should have privacy and an ordinary life.

相信你如果只看以上两个段落可能并不会觉得有什么问题,但是如果我们结合起来题目,不免会产生一些犹疑,也就是很多学生经常有的一种感受,叫做“怪怪的”,这样写得话真的对吗?

在上文的写作片段中,作者从开头段开始就已经走在了一条不太正确的道路上:“…a great deal of attention is paid to the personal lives of celebrities … However, I believe that what the media should do is to protect and respect the lives of public figures rather than giving too much exposure.”他用一句话回应了题目,而立场则开始带入了明显的评价。

接下来在让步段,前半段他说明的是媒体这样做的意义或产生的正作用,但是接下来话锋一转,说媒体不该这样做,这样的做法其实并没有尊重名人们的隐私,并用影星张柏芝的例子来证明,媒体这样的报道所产生的问题。如此种种,该考生已经沉浸在自己所设定的题目中了,即讨论“媒体是否应该过分关注明星”,至于“pay attention”这个关键词却并没有给出明确的回应,因此即使语言再好,恐怕得分也不会太高。

那么该如何改正呢?既然题目只是问我们一个客观事实,那么论述的过程要么就是用事实说话,摆事实讲道理,比如记者会跟踪、偷拍明星,并将他们的一举一动在第一时间发布;电视上会邀请明星来参加真人秀(reality shows),甚至还会到明星家里去拍亲子秀,这样明星的整个生活都暴露在公众视野;为了博眼球,他们甚至还会将一些信息进行拼接来制造新闻,甚至是假新闻,然后引发公众关注,企图明星能更多地曝光自己的生活等等,然后再说明这样的关注已经过分了。以下是笔者给出的一个参考主体段:

… I do agree that the media have laid too much emphasis on the privacy of famous people.(开头段)

Firstly, a tendency has emerged that some producers of reality TV shows are willing to allocate large amounts of money to invite celebrities and even their children or families. It is evident that viewers could have an opportunity to get access to the real life of a super star, i.e., to see what a working day or a weekend of a star is, how different a star’s growing experience is from ordinary people, or what a star will do in a relationship. These shows can thus gain its popularity and then earn more from commercials but the celebrities have lost all their privacy and their families’ lives may be bothered as well.

上文中从事实切入,说了所谓“媒体关注”的方式,考生们在写的时候也可以用具体的例子,接下来点到这对于明星来说会产生的问题,以此来回应“too much”。当然这不是唯一的解题思路,对于这道题我们也可以分析这个现象背后存在的原因,但归根结底需要的是命题这个结论。